i just want to be happy

People say it's ok to be sad. Then when they find out that you're sad, they accuse you of not wanting to be happy. They say it's your choice. Is it, really?

Do you know what I am saying? It's you. You used to say I was unique. Fun. Beautiful. You used to 'understand' and console me when I'm down. Now all I ever get from you are negative comments. When I told you I was feeling sad, you tried to make me happy. When I cried, you hugged me & wiped my tears. When I was angry, you did things to make me laugh. When I said I loved you, you said you loved me more.

But now, when I tell you I'm feeling sad, you'd say it's because I choose to be sad. When I cry, you say it's because I choose to cry. When I'm angry, you say it's because I choose to be angry. And when I do say that I love you, I don't get any response from you. You used to make me feel needed, cared about, loved. Now I feel as if my existence doesn't mean anything to you at all. It feels like you don't need me & you don't want me. I used to feel special. I realise now it was stupid to feel that way. Because I certainly am not special to you now & probably never was. There are so many other people in this world, better people, why would you want to notice me? There are so many other interesting things to see, why would you want to look at me and into my eyes? There are so many other fruitful and fun things to do, why would you want to sit down with me and hold my hand?

I am not assuming anything because I don't need to assume. This is how I feel.

There are so many things I keep bottled up inside, because I've realised there's no point in trying to explain anything to you. I always try to look at things from your perspective but you always accuse me of not doing so. You say I prefer the dark side when I can look at things from a different light and I just don't want to. By saying that, you're putting up an invisible wall between us. It's like saying, "You're the type that prefers the dark side; I'm the type who prefers the bright side." And to think a long time ago, you said you would always be on my side.

I don't want to assume, because you'd accuse me of that.

All I know is that everything is different now. Things change, but my feelings for you won't. Day by day, I'm being clouded in depression and nothing can pull me away from it because it comes from within. From my love. For you.

But of course, you'd say I feel this way because I choose not to feel differently.

But you are wrong. So, so wrong.

I chose not to love you, and yet I still do.