tiredness has a different meaning to me
I wrote a long entry earlier. It was one of the most honest & personal entries ever. But guess what happened? Just when I pressed the 'submit' button, my computer fucked me up and gave me a blank page instead. I couldn't go back, I couldn't refresh. Anger got the better of me & I exited the browser. Tried to open another browser but apparently my modem connection chose to get fucked just when I need it the most. I felt like crying fucking my eyeballs out because I don't think I could ever get all those words out again. It was something which I typed & typed without caring about grammar/spelling and all that crap. But I'm not gonna cry, not at this moment.
I will try again. It will not be as long because my brain is exhausted. Computer, read this: Fuck with me again and I'll smash you to bloody pieces, I don't care how much you cost me but you're really one hell of a fucker. So don't fuck with me this time!!!
I will, again, type & type my feelings out. It will be crappy, it will be vulgar, it will be crude. If you can't take that, don't read on.
I am an idiot. No, I am not an under-educated bitch or a retard. But I keep on doing the things I'm not supposed to do, and not doing the things I really am supposed to. There are certain things which I really can't get into my stupid head & make them stay there. I am sick of doing the same old idiotic things over & over & over again.
Every morning when I wake up, I'd ask myself the same question, "Why am I not feeling any different from yesterday?" I hate to see other people happy. I am fucking jealous of happy people. So much for my loving personality. There's only so much a human being can take, and this has already overflowed my tolerance container long ago. I hate to see other people happy, smiling, laughing. I know that's just what they show on the outside but still...why can't it be me? No matter how many people have committed suicide in this world, there will always be many more who are living, surviving, even enjoying themselves. How I loathe happy people.
When I was young, I used to pray for things. I'd pray that the people I love will stay with me forever, for everyone including myself to be healthy & happy & free from all sickness & pain of all kinds. I prayed that I'd pass my exams with flying colors, I prayed that my crush would feel the same way for me, I prayed that I'd get my dream car, I prayed to be loved by everyone, I prayed & prayed & prayed. My prayers only meant one thing - I prayed to be happy. Now, I don't pray the same way anymore. Whenever I make a connection with God, I wonder if God is really listening to me. Instead of praying, I'd ask mundane questions. Why can't I be doing this? Why do I keep doing that? I always ask..."Why can't I be happy?"
There are little things that give me those little 'happy moments'. I'd watch funny tv shows, see cool movies, read interesting books, have good sex. But these happy moments don't last. Why? Because it's not true happiness. Sure, they say nobody is truly happy. But is anyone as depressed as me, every single fucking day of their life? At home, at work, at anywhere I'll be...my masks are thinning out and I don't know what other face to show to the world. I sleep too little and cry too much. Hope, to me, is an illusion that keeps me going for now. The important thing is it keeps me going.
I am fucking sick of the way things work in this life.
Is this entry the same as the one I wrote earlier? No, but the essence is there. The feelings I poured out are still the same. This is still me and how I feel. I am just so fucking tired.
I will try again. It will not be as long because my brain is exhausted. Computer, read this: Fuck with me again and I'll smash you to bloody pieces, I don't care how much you cost me but you're really one hell of a fucker. So don't fuck with me this time!!!
I will, again, type & type my feelings out. It will be crappy, it will be vulgar, it will be crude. If you can't take that, don't read on.
I am an idiot. No, I am not an under-educated bitch or a retard. But I keep on doing the things I'm not supposed to do, and not doing the things I really am supposed to. There are certain things which I really can't get into my stupid head & make them stay there. I am sick of doing the same old idiotic things over & over & over again.
Every morning when I wake up, I'd ask myself the same question, "Why am I not feeling any different from yesterday?" I hate to see other people happy. I am fucking jealous of happy people. So much for my loving personality. There's only so much a human being can take, and this has already overflowed my tolerance container long ago. I hate to see other people happy, smiling, laughing. I know that's just what they show on the outside but still...why can't it be me? No matter how many people have committed suicide in this world, there will always be many more who are living, surviving, even enjoying themselves. How I loathe happy people.
When I was young, I used to pray for things. I'd pray that the people I love will stay with me forever, for everyone including myself to be healthy & happy & free from all sickness & pain of all kinds. I prayed that I'd pass my exams with flying colors, I prayed that my crush would feel the same way for me, I prayed that I'd get my dream car, I prayed to be loved by everyone, I prayed & prayed & prayed. My prayers only meant one thing - I prayed to be happy. Now, I don't pray the same way anymore. Whenever I make a connection with God, I wonder if God is really listening to me. Instead of praying, I'd ask mundane questions. Why can't I be doing this? Why do I keep doing that? I always ask..."Why can't I be happy?"
There are little things that give me those little 'happy moments'. I'd watch funny tv shows, see cool movies, read interesting books, have good sex. But these happy moments don't last. Why? Because it's not true happiness. Sure, they say nobody is truly happy. But is anyone as depressed as me, every single fucking day of their life? At home, at work, at anywhere I'll be...my masks are thinning out and I don't know what other face to show to the world. I sleep too little and cry too much. Hope, to me, is an illusion that keeps me going for now. The important thing is it keeps me going.
I am fucking sick of the way things work in this life.
Is this entry the same as the one I wrote earlier? No, but the essence is there. The feelings I poured out are still the same. This is still me and how I feel. I am just so fucking tired.
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