Angelo
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Therefore, this particular entry is typed in notepad(not that it makes much difference anyway).
This entry is a tribute to my dear friend Angelo who passed away at the age of 21(if I'm correct) some 4 years ago. I did not know him that well, and the friendship we had lasted less than a year. I was still young then, in my teens, and he was my then best friend's brother. We got to know each other when he came to my school while I was practicing for some dance performance. He was average-looking but I found him very charming. We exchanged pager numbers & became close friends in just a short time. I was dating a guy back then, and he was casually seeing another girl too, but I couldn't deny the feelings I had for him. Yes, he was actually the first guy I fell in love with. The rest of the guys were just boyfriends, but there was something very special about him.
Of course, at that time, my parents did not allow me to date(me being anything but an angel, was of course dating secretly all the while) but I did bring him home once, together with my best friend. He was always very nice to me, and we talked on the public phone almost everyday - there was always something to talk about, and when we were both silent, it wasn't in any way an uncomfortable silence. I was happy. I was in heaven.
Until the day my best friend told me that they had to go back to their country because their dad had finished his contract here in Singapore. I was devastated and there was nothing I could do. The last time Angelo and I talked on the phone was the day before their departure. We talked on the public phone again and both of us cried. He told me he wanted to see me in the evening near his place. Even though I had curfew then, I ignored it & went out anyway, lied to my mom that I had some urgent last-minute school project to finish.
It was one of the saddest days of my life. We just sat on the bench, tears running down our cheeks, just cuddling with each other, both of us not knowing what to say or do. Finally, when we *had* to part, I turned to walk off but he pulled my hand - that was the last time I ever felt his touch - and just stared at me until we really *had* to part. I didn't know what to say. Neither did he. I wanted so much to say "I love you, Angelo! Don't leave me!" but I didn't. He didn't say he love me. He never did. So I didn't either.
On the day of his departure, I was lying on my bed crying my eyes out, refusing to eat or bathe or say anything to anyone. I couldn't believe the one guy that I was so much in love with, was leaving me, probably for good. I was missing him already and there was noone to talk to about it. My best friend promised to call me when they reach there. It was all I could hold on to, that little promise. Angelo never promised me anything. Days went by, then weeks, months and then years. My best friend never called. Neither did Angelo.
I became very depressed and during the next few years, I was dating different guys on and off but at the back of my mind, the name 'Angelo' still lingered. I became anorexic and that was also the time I started to do part-time modelling which, indirectly, caused my anorexia to reach a very critical stage. I felt & look sick, but I didn't care. Throughout those years, I couldn't concentrate on my studies too and I considered myself lucky to have passed my exams with pretty good grades. I was going through depression. I was depressed. Nothing could help me.
Until I decided to help myself. I didn't know what came over me, but I decided that I couldn't keep on feeling sad & depressed all the time. I tried to track my best friend & Angelo but to no avail. I thought they probably died in a plane crash or something, but then there was no news about that. I didn't know what happened to them - they probably had just forgotten me. That was my final conclusion.
Early in the year 2003, I received a phone call from my best friend. I couldn't believe it. She had managed to track me down by first tracking one of our classmates down & then found out my mobile phone number. I was already engaged then. Already an adult. Life was different from what it used to be. I never thought the past would resurface. I never thought she would call. I was so much in shock that I didn't bother to ask what actually happened to them all those years.
The first question I was "How are you?" then "How's Angelo?"
That conversation left me with another bout of depression.
Yes, Angelo passed away due to brain tumor. He had always known about his illness and had never told me. When they went back home, he had begun treatment & therapy almosy immediately but fate had decided that he had to go. Angelo had always loved me & considered me the most beautiful girl he had ever met. He never wanted to use the words 'I love you' because he knew he would leave me one day, and didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want to tell me about his illness either, because he didn't want me to be worried. As it came nearer to his dying day, he told my best friend that he wished he could see me for one last time but he knew it would be a wish that would never come true. He forbade her to get in touch with me to let me know he was dying, because he didn't want me to be worried and sad - he would rather me think that he had forgotten me than to make me sad. Besides, he thought I might have forgotten him. He kept telling her how much he loved me & that I was the nicest and most beautiful girl he had ever met.
That was what my best friend told me, in between tears & uncontrolled sobbings. She decided to get in touch with me anyway, because as she was my friend and Angelo's sister, and she couldn't live without letting me know the truth. I could say nothing. I couldn't blame her. It was meant to be that way. Words could never describe the way I felt. I told her I would like to meet up with her again someday & probably go visit Angelo's grave.
We loved each other, and yet, never got the chance to let each other know. At least now I know that he loved me. But Angelo passed away without ever knowing how I felt for him. Maybe he did - that's why he didn't tell me his condition. But then again, that's just another guess. Or maybe a wish.
I didn't know Angelo that much, and yet he meant a lot to me. Angelo and his death, had taught me a lot of things, which I can't seem to find the words to explain.
Life has its twists and turns. That was just one little episode in my dramatic & roller-coaster-ride of a life. Things happen, and we learn our lessons from them. Those things also change us and make us who we are today.
There will always be a special place in my heart for Angelo. His kindness, thoughtfulness and most of all his love, has touched me deeply. Every soul that comes my way is unique, and there is no way that someone who means a lot to me will ever deplete from my mind. My brain is in a flurry and I can't think right now - to whoever who bothers to read up to this part, I'm sorry for the lousy grammar but I am in no writing mood - just a pouring-out-my-feelings mood. I don't know how to end this because I hate endings. But everything that begins must have an end. Just like Angelo. May he rest in peace.
'Down for Maintenance
Blogger is temporarily unavailable due to planned maintenance.
This downtime will last 20 minutes from 9:35am - 9:55am (PST).'
----------------
Therefore, this particular entry is typed in notepad(not that it makes much difference anyway).
This entry is a tribute to my dear friend Angelo who passed away at the age of 21(if I'm correct) some 4 years ago. I did not know him that well, and the friendship we had lasted less than a year. I was still young then, in my teens, and he was my then best friend's brother. We got to know each other when he came to my school while I was practicing for some dance performance. He was average-looking but I found him very charming. We exchanged pager numbers & became close friends in just a short time. I was dating a guy back then, and he was casually seeing another girl too, but I couldn't deny the feelings I had for him. Yes, he was actually the first guy I fell in love with. The rest of the guys were just boyfriends, but there was something very special about him.
Of course, at that time, my parents did not allow me to date(me being anything but an angel, was of course dating secretly all the while) but I did bring him home once, together with my best friend. He was always very nice to me, and we talked on the public phone almost everyday - there was always something to talk about, and when we were both silent, it wasn't in any way an uncomfortable silence. I was happy. I was in heaven.
Until the day my best friend told me that they had to go back to their country because their dad had finished his contract here in Singapore. I was devastated and there was nothing I could do. The last time Angelo and I talked on the phone was the day before their departure. We talked on the public phone again and both of us cried. He told me he wanted to see me in the evening near his place. Even though I had curfew then, I ignored it & went out anyway, lied to my mom that I had some urgent last-minute school project to finish.
It was one of the saddest days of my life. We just sat on the bench, tears running down our cheeks, just cuddling with each other, both of us not knowing what to say or do. Finally, when we *had* to part, I turned to walk off but he pulled my hand - that was the last time I ever felt his touch - and just stared at me until we really *had* to part. I didn't know what to say. Neither did he. I wanted so much to say "I love you, Angelo! Don't leave me!" but I didn't. He didn't say he love me. He never did. So I didn't either.
On the day of his departure, I was lying on my bed crying my eyes out, refusing to eat or bathe or say anything to anyone. I couldn't believe the one guy that I was so much in love with, was leaving me, probably for good. I was missing him already and there was noone to talk to about it. My best friend promised to call me when they reach there. It was all I could hold on to, that little promise. Angelo never promised me anything. Days went by, then weeks, months and then years. My best friend never called. Neither did Angelo.
I became very depressed and during the next few years, I was dating different guys on and off but at the back of my mind, the name 'Angelo' still lingered. I became anorexic and that was also the time I started to do part-time modelling which, indirectly, caused my anorexia to reach a very critical stage. I felt & look sick, but I didn't care. Throughout those years, I couldn't concentrate on my studies too and I considered myself lucky to have passed my exams with pretty good grades. I was going through depression. I was depressed. Nothing could help me.
Until I decided to help myself. I didn't know what came over me, but I decided that I couldn't keep on feeling sad & depressed all the time. I tried to track my best friend & Angelo but to no avail. I thought they probably died in a plane crash or something, but then there was no news about that. I didn't know what happened to them - they probably had just forgotten me. That was my final conclusion.
Early in the year 2003, I received a phone call from my best friend. I couldn't believe it. She had managed to track me down by first tracking one of our classmates down & then found out my mobile phone number. I was already engaged then. Already an adult. Life was different from what it used to be. I never thought the past would resurface. I never thought she would call. I was so much in shock that I didn't bother to ask what actually happened to them all those years.
The first question I was "How are you?" then "How's Angelo?"
That conversation left me with another bout of depression.
Yes, Angelo passed away due to brain tumor. He had always known about his illness and had never told me. When they went back home, he had begun treatment & therapy almosy immediately but fate had decided that he had to go. Angelo had always loved me & considered me the most beautiful girl he had ever met. He never wanted to use the words 'I love you' because he knew he would leave me one day, and didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want to tell me about his illness either, because he didn't want me to be worried. As it came nearer to his dying day, he told my best friend that he wished he could see me for one last time but he knew it would be a wish that would never come true. He forbade her to get in touch with me to let me know he was dying, because he didn't want me to be worried and sad - he would rather me think that he had forgotten me than to make me sad. Besides, he thought I might have forgotten him. He kept telling her how much he loved me & that I was the nicest and most beautiful girl he had ever met.
That was what my best friend told me, in between tears & uncontrolled sobbings. She decided to get in touch with me anyway, because as she was my friend and Angelo's sister, and she couldn't live without letting me know the truth. I could say nothing. I couldn't blame her. It was meant to be that way. Words could never describe the way I felt. I told her I would like to meet up with her again someday & probably go visit Angelo's grave.
We loved each other, and yet, never got the chance to let each other know. At least now I know that he loved me. But Angelo passed away without ever knowing how I felt for him. Maybe he did - that's why he didn't tell me his condition. But then again, that's just another guess. Or maybe a wish.
I didn't know Angelo that much, and yet he meant a lot to me. Angelo and his death, had taught me a lot of things, which I can't seem to find the words to explain.
Life has its twists and turns. That was just one little episode in my dramatic & roller-coaster-ride of a life. Things happen, and we learn our lessons from them. Those things also change us and make us who we are today.
There will always be a special place in my heart for Angelo. His kindness, thoughtfulness and most of all his love, has touched me deeply. Every soul that comes my way is unique, and there is no way that someone who means a lot to me will ever deplete from my mind. My brain is in a flurry and I can't think right now - to whoever who bothers to read up to this part, I'm sorry for the lousy grammar but I am in no writing mood - just a pouring-out-my-feelings mood. I don't know how to end this because I hate endings. But everything that begins must have an end. Just like Angelo. May he rest in peace.
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